Why I Am Doing This...

Some people will say 'why bother, big is beautiful too' or 'be happy as you are' or 'why be concerned with what others think', etcetera. And on average I would agree. That said, I still have come to the decision that I need to lose weight and there are many reasons for that. First off, I don't like myself as I am. Yes big can be beautiful, I just don't feel like ME big is beautiful. Now that's not to say that with my personal hangups I won't find skinny me beautiful either but that's an issue to tackle at a later date.

Also, the weight added to my metal rods is not good. I've been told for years that there's a chance I could bend my rods and have to go through the surgery all over again, even longer this time as they would have to remove these and put new ones in. I don't want that to happen. I've never wanted it to happen but no one ever said this would be easy either.

On top of it being bad for my rods, I'm finding that the combination of the rods and the weight is making certain things more difficult. I won't go into details on this as to be blunt some of it is just TMI and fricken gross. I will say that between the two I just can't move certain ways and we'll leave it at that.

Another reason is clothing. I'm tired of having to shop in big girl departements or big girl stores or online because not every place carries my size. I want to be able to walk into the Gap or walk into Lord and Taylor or some random store and buy a cute top and not get upset when they don't have my size. I don't want to walk into a store and ask a sales girl if they carry my size and have them look at me like a gross fat cow just because I don't wear a size 2. Not saying I'll ever wear a size 2, but I'll be honest.... size 22 isn't always easy to find.

Slight TMI here but another reason I'm doing this has to do with my husband. I'm not doing this for him, and I don't recommend that anyone do anything like this for anyone but their self. That said, sexual relations just aren't as fun when you feel like a beached whale. I love my husband, I love being with my husband that way, but the weight just doesn't help the possibilities or the desire to do so. Enough said, moving on. lol

Another reason for doing this is my father. I'm not doing this for him, I'm not doing this for his approval. But I sit here and I look at him and he's 77 years old, sits on his behind most days and looks like he's pregnant with quadruplets and perhaps a beach ball. He doesn't exercise because 'it hurts his hips and knees' and he consumes more red meat, salt and alcohol on a daily basis than one human should. I don't want to be like that. If my husband and I ever actually adopt children like we've talked about, I want to be able to do things with those children. And I don't want those children to be like I am now simply because the house is constantly full of Hostess, Ben & Jerry's & Oreos.

Most of all, I'm doing this for my self esteem. I've never been anything more than 'the stupid little fat girl' in the eyes of so many people that it's how I've come to see myself. I want to be more than that. Granted the weight is only part of the issue there, but it's something I have the choice of changing and I'm doing my best to do just that.

That said, I welcome anyone who reads this blog to this journey of mine. I hope you will find it informative, encouraging, maybe even funny at times. Whatever you take from this, feel free to send me a message. If it's negative, don't bother as I get enough of that in my life. But helpful hints and encouragement are always welcome and appreciated!